When I was younger, I used to thank God during times of difficulties. I remember distinctly one afternoon, I was filled with fear and uncertainty to a point where I didn’t think I could handle my emotions. I was about 10 years old. At that moment, I felt like I heard God remind me of this verse: Rejoice always; pray without ceasing; in everything give thanks… Thessalonians 5:16-18. And that’s what I did. I started verbally and conscientiously started thanking God for my situation. Incredibly, I started feeling peace; peace from above. I knew I would be okay. Today, I did the same thing. I started thanking God. And once again, He was faithful and merciful to grant me peace. I haven’t been at peace the past several weeks. Stress, worry, confusion, was suffocating my life and faith. It has been difficult. Living in constant fear for your child’s health, welfare, and ultimately life puts you in a position where I don’t want to be. Sometimes I want to put blame on someone or something to make me feel better. “Why me?” is what I want to ask. And this state of being led me to pray this:
1. Thank you, God for Timothy’s infection and fever so it would be “easier” to pursue BMT at this time. Because at times, I really don’t want to put my son through a transplant… it seems cruel and too much. Maybe this was Your way of telling us that it’s time.
2. Thank you, God for the many choices in the transplant centers. Though in my finite understanding I wanted You to just tell me where to go or to just have one option. What a blessing it is to have good transplant centers from which we can choose from! Please help me to not over-analyze all the numbers and doctors and experiences and trust that You have it all planned out already.
3. Thank you, Lord that his current suffering and hardship is for my own edification and for Your glory. To know my pain and heartache is not in vain, but You have a purpose is comforting. This life is not about me, but it’s about Him. How liberating to dwell in this truth!
As of this afternoon, Timothy’s bloodwork results are better :). He still has elevated inflammatory markers, but it has definitely gotten better since last week. Another blood draw in two weeks. But his GI tract, bowel inflammation, diaper area still needs to calm down… Thank you everyone for your prayers…