“O great God of highest heaven, occupy my lowly heart. Own it all and reign supreme; conquer every rebel power…”
I wasn’t ready for last week’s setback, emotionally nor spiritually. I knew being re-hospitalized after a bone marrow transplant was “common”, but I chose to believe it wouldn’t happen to Timothy. I was naïve. As I tried to regain my focus, purpose, and meaning, God reminded me of the words above. In a haze, feeling lost and numb, depleted of strength, that’s where I was. And maybe still am. If you were to ask me how I was doing, I could give you all the right answers. I know what I was taught. In my head, I know God is good, loving and merciful. But desperately, I wanted to feel it in my heart. To transfer your head knowledge to heart experience, is what I longed. I tried to find answers. At the end of the day, I couldn’t. It’s not in my power. It’s in His. It was my turn to attend church this past Sunday with Claire. Without fail, God spoke to my heart. He reminded me of the bigger picture for His bigger plan. And it’s not about me nor about Timothy. It’s about Him. We play a very small part in His story. I felt such relief, such comfort, such peace to relinquish myself of this burden. Freedom.
On Timothy’s note, his breathing seems much better. He has been super cranky from high dosage steroids. We will have another chest x-ray tomorrow to see if the fluid in his lungs are being absorbed by his body.